Wednesday, August 30, 2017

A cackle of Dad's jokes

Dad’s jokes reach a crescendo on Father’s Day.  Father’s Day is celebrated in September in Australia.  A dad joke is defined as a joke that is not funny yet is groan worthy.  I’ve published a collection here that arose across a number of social media posts this last week.  I’ll add further to this list as opportunity arises:

- A neighbour just completed a structure on the line dividing our properties.  I found his behaviour o-fence-ive.

- Cows have hooves because they lactose.
- I flew business class the other day.  It was the worst class I’d ever been to.  I did not learn anything!
- Did you hear about the Doctor who got the sack yesterday.  He only performed appendectomies and someone determined he was only working on the side.

- I read in fashion news that there will be no change in men’s pockets this year.
- It is okay to love the New Zealand band Crowded House: It is only natural
- Why was Boaz angry? Because he was Ruthless.
- Police in Nigeria entered a man’s apartment after fearing he had died.  They found US2billion in cash.  It turns out that the man had been trying to give it away but no-one would answers his emails.
- Anyone who like meetings should be in charge of nothing.
- Boss to me at end of long meeting: “What did you learn in this meeting?”
Me in response: “That I can sleep with my eyes open”.
- Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic?
He did not believe that there was a dog.
- A giraffe has a very long ….
List of Facebook friends.
- What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.1412 metres long?
A python.

- A computer programmer’s wife sent him shopping.  She said “Get me a bottle of milk and if they have eggs get me six”.  He came home with six bottles of milk”.

- “I call that a Bob Marley photocopier,  It is always jammin’

- “When can you tell that it is cold in Sydney? It is when lawyers have their hands in their own pockets.”

- “That British artist wrote a song about Norma Jean changing her name to Monroe Marilyn.  When he chose to call himself Elton John (rather than John Elton) he shouldn’t complain that people mix up other names”

- “I don’t know what all the fuss is about this Trump character.  I’m very happy for him to have US residency”

- “There was an accident on the M7 this morning.  A Goulburn jail van collided with a concrete truck.  Police are now searching the area looking for twelve hardened prisoners”.

- “When my wife gets angry with me during an argument she gets to a point where she is historical” You mean hysterical?  “No, historical, she tells me about everything I have ever done wrong”.

- “My wife and I have been married 25 years.  We’ve just accumulated 10 years of good marriage.  10 minutes here, 20 minutes there”.

- A pirate puts his appointments into a calendarrrrrrrrrr.

- How much do pirates pay for earrings? A buccaneer.

- Paddy turned to Mick and said “If you can guess how many doughnuts I have in my bag, I’ll let you have them both”

- Year 5 was the best three years of my life.

- One time in Australia you were sentenced to be hung if you took money out of a bank through a hole in a wall.  Now the banks have worked out how to charge us for this experience.
- Did you hear about how the librarian kept slipping over? She was in the non-friction section.

- This dad joke dates from the time before flat screen televisions: The other day Bob came over while I was watching a Swans game on television. My wife opened the door to Bob. As he entered the room Bob asked: "What is on television?". I responded, "Don't be silly Bob, it is a pot plant"

I was going to be a fortune-teller, but I couldn't see any future in it.

- Why is the ocean wet? Because the sea weed.

- Why will you never go hungry at the beach? Because of the sand which is there.

- Where did Abraham come from?
[Person answering]: Er
That's right Abraham come from Ur.

• Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!
• How does Moses make tea? Hebrews it....
• England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .
• I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
• They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Typo.
• I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.
• Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
• I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.
• I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.
• This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
• When chemists die, they barium.
• I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.
• I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
• Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.
• I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
• Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?
• When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
• Broken pencils are pointless.
• What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
• I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
• I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
• Velcro - what a rip off!
• Don’t worry about old age; it doesn’t last.


Note: in its own little way this linked post is also a dad joke

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